Having read today’s chapter, the word ‘generosity’ spins in my meditations, tumbling over and over. Generosity toward God… Generosity toward brothers and sisters in need… Generosity toward God through generosity toward others in need…
One big stumbling block keeping me from living generously toward God and others, is me, my lifestyle, my spending habits, my sense of what I need, I want, I deserve. When I don’t have cash flow, I cannot be generous.
As I mine this thought, another stumbling block is unearthed, ‘desire’. I don’t know how it has been bred in me, but my initial response with respect to my money and resources is, that it is MINE! Obviously it is mine, but it is the impulse to keep it for me and guard it for me. That is troubling me this early morning. I am not referring to irresponsibility, but the all too natural and immediate impulse to respond to a need observed, with some selfish thought like, “I worked hard for this why should I give it away?” (as if the person in need didn’t work hard).
Another instant internal response I often have is, “I might need this some day or gee, I want that extra whatever, so I better not give this away.” I am a master at rationalizing myself away from generosity.
As I probe deeper, a third response surfaces, keeping face without being generous. It hurts acknowledging this one. It happens when I give a minimal amount (to keep face or assuage my hyper-active guilt) that doesn’t come close to truly being generous.
God is pounding me with my lack of generosity…
Lord, enough please. Today has been painful, but full of truth. I constantly ask You to be honest and to probe me. It hurts sometimes…
Thank You for being faithful, for answering my prayers, examining my life and heart, for exposing darkness that still lives in me. Continue to shine Your light, that I may grow to be more like You; loving, kind, faithful, compassionate, and generous.
Lord, thank You for teaching me Your ways.
I love You, Lord. Be with me today. I pray, that my life might reflect Your character and point others to You. Amen.
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